A Simple Holiday Meal
by Linda J
Summary: Takes place after X2 The brotherhood of evil mutants gather around the table for a holiday meal.


A SIMPLE HOLIDAY MEAL  
By Linda J.

Christmas fic for 05  
RATING: PG-13 for strong language and violence  
TIMELINE/UNIVERSE: movie, takes places after X2  
SUMMARY: The brotherhood of evil mutants gather around the table for  
a holiday meal.  
FEEDBACK: Oh please. oh please, oh pretty, pretty please!

CH1

Normally the table Magneto sat in front of was used for much more important business to advance the brotherhood's agenda. 'This is a conference room, not a dining room,' the mighty man of magnetism groaned silently to himself as he quietly sat back in his chair, legs stretched out under the table, crossed just at the ankles. With his elbow propped up on the arm rest, he leaned over to one side just a bit, lightly resting his cheek on the tips of his fingers; a look of puzzlement and perhaps some displeasure could be seen on his tired face. He quietly observed Toad, who was setting five decorative plastic plates around the large metal oblong table while Pyro came behind him and set up the plastic eating utensils along with green napkins next to the plates. It was not the sight of these two young men working together in harmony that Magneto found mildly peculiar, but to see a candy cane sticking out of Toad's mouth like a cigar just seemed a bit out of place.

"It's kinda odd for her to do something like this, isn't it?" Pyro mentioned as he reached in a grocery bag and retrieved the plastic glasses. "Odd indeed," Magneto sighed, breaking his silence but not his aloof composure. "Yeah, Blue's always full of surprises, ain't she Mags?" Sabretooth bellowed as he strutted into the room, taking his place at the far end of the table.

"That's the most I've 'eard you say in a month!" Toad pulled out the candy cane and smacked his lips. "What's got you in such a jolly mood?" The felinoid said nothing, then tilted his head back and opened his mouth wide. He put a can of "Reddiwip" up to his lips and pressed the nozzle to release the creamy sustenance of decadent delight.

Still stretched out and leaning in his chair, Magneto focused his unhappiness on the daring and impertinent thug. "We've discussed this matter of you calling me "Mags" at least a hundred times, Sabretooth. But I suppose a creature of your intellectual powers would need to have something repeated at least a hundred times more before it would find its way into that huge but essentially ineffective cranium of yours." Sabretooth looked out across the table, his mouth so full of whipped cream that it oozed out from the corners of his mouth. Had anyone else dared to insult him like this they would have never lived long enough to insult him again, but Sabretooth merely grinned at the old man and licked the escaping cream from his lips and beard. "It ain't my brains you keep me 'round here for…Mags."

Magneto almost seemed disappointed by Sabretooth's lack of anger and quickly looked away, shifting his weight to the other side of the chair. "At least that's one thing we agree upon." He then turned his attention back to the more irritating situation at hand. "Does anyone have an idea of how long this little get-together will take?"

"Why do you want to know, Magneto?" Mystique wondered as she walked in the room carrying a roasted turkey on a silver platter; its aroma instantly filling the room. For a moment or so all the men in the room, including Magneto, just stared at her with lust in their eyes, but for once it was not for her bare blue body. "You haven't made plans for this evening, have you?"

"Maybe," Magneto grumbled under his breath.

"So change them," she softly commanded. "All the years we have worked together, we have never shared a holiday meal."

"And the problem with this is…?" Magneto gently jibed.

"Nothing per se," Mystique explained as she set the turkey on the table. "But aren't you always telling us how much like a family we are?" The old man's eyes fluttered a bit as he sat up in his chair to get a better look at his dinner. The bird itself was enormous and caramelized to perfection; full of stuffing and sitting on a luscious bed of leafy lettuce, colorful dried fruit and orange wedges arranged around its sides. "I may have vaguely mentioned something on the topic. Is that…" a faint sound of hopefulness broke through his gloomy demeanor, "…apple and wild rice dressing?"

"Mmm-hmm," Mystique nodded enticingly. "We also have potato and carrot latkes with scallion sour cream sauce, green bean casserole, cranberry sauce…"

"Whole or jellied?" Toad anxiously interrupted.

"We have both," Mystique proudly declared. "There's also ..."

"Gravy?" Toad again broke in as Sabretooth stood up and leaned over the bird. inhaling deeply. "I sure hope you made plenty of gravy."

"Made? I didn't make any of this," she indignantly informed him. "It just so happens that this bountiful feast comes to you already prepared."

"Oh great," Pyro suddenly looked quite upset. "In others words, this is all glorified cafeteria food."

"This don't smell like no cafeteria food!" Sabretooth purred, picking up a grape from the silver platter and popping it in his mouth. Suddenly a very sour expression covered his face. "I think I found a bad one."

"I didn't have time to run all over the store and find real fruit, Sabretooth; those are fake." Without hesitation he spit out the blob of wax onto the floor and kicked it under the table. "I knew that."

"Damn the bloody fruit," Toad urged. "I need to know if we have enough gravy!"

"Yes of course," she reassured him. "Does a gallon of gravy sound like enough?"

"Just a gallon?" No one could tell if the amphibinoid was being sarcastic or skeptical.

"It better be," she fearlessly warned him. "Besides, I bought enough food to feed even this little army, there's..."

"What about pumpkin pie?" Pyro was now the one to interrupt. Mystique sighed in frustration. "Yes, we have pumpkin pie. There's also cherry and chocolate cream. There's also..."

"Oh, what about eggnog? Did you get eggnog?" Pyro impatiently interrupted. This time, however, Mystique didn't answer.

"OK, you," she grabbed Pyro around the collar and began to pull him out of the room with her. "You just volunteered to help me bring all the crap to the table."

CH2

"It's not e'ry day we get to sit back and relax for a bit." Toad took off his leather jacket and folded it over his seat then plopped himself down in the metal chair. For a moment or so the three men sat around the table listening to the faint sounds of clanging metal and Pyro complaining coming from the kitchen. "Wouldn't you two rather be doing something else tonight?" Magneto proposed, hoping that if Toad and Sabretooth were to leave then Mystique might give up on this whole ridiculous idea spending a little quality time together. Suddenly Sabretooth's eyes became quite dreamy as he gazed upwards. "Well there is this little cathouse in town I've been dying to check out…"

"Ahem!" Toad faked a cough and gave him a hostile look.

"Oh yeah," it was as if the felinoid suddenly remembered something. "Sorry Mags, but we promised Blue we would stay here tonight."

The felinoid's answer seemed to depress the old man, and he sighed hopelessly, "Oh joy." He then looked back toward the turkey. "Well, perhaps it will not be completely intolerable." Just then, however, the noise of Sabretooth spraying more whipped cream into his mouth and hearing Toad slurp his own saliva from his candy cane caught his attention, "or not."

"Hey," Magneto figured Toad must have been getting bored waiting when he recognized the antagonistic tone in the amphibinoid's voice. "You're gonna share that, right?"

"Hell no, Wart" Sabretooth sneered back. "Just keep suckin' on that teeny little stick of yours."

"Yeah, chum?" Toad was almost gleaming with mischief. "I've got a stick you can suck on, and trust me, it ain't a bit teeny!"

"Humph," Sabretooth grunted. "I got one already and it's ten times bigger than yours! Wanna see?"

Magneto just rolled his eyes as Sabretooth reached into a pocket in his leather trench coat and pulled out a candy cane stick which was a good ten inches long and about an inch thick. "See Wart, it's called a Big Jim." The giant seemed quite proud of his prize.

"Big Jim, huh?" Toad taunted. "My girlfriend likes to call mine Kermit."

For a moment Sabretooth seemed a little confused. "Ah, no, I mean the candy's called…"

"How nice," Magneto groaned. "Is this what you ruffians consider lively dinner conversation?"

"Hey Mags," Sabretooth grinned devilishly. "So what do you call yours?"

"I beg your pardon?" Magneto sat up shooting Sabretooth a very insulted glare. "You know," Sabretooth then glanced down at his own groin. "Your shlong…"

"Your wanker; your dick..." Toad added. "Your cock." Sabretooth went straight to the point.

"I understand perfectly well what you two degenerates are talking about," Magneto spat angrily and looked away, disgusted to the core.

"C'mon Magneto," Toad lowered his voice and leaned in closely as he continued to taunt. "We're all buds here. We won't laugh."

"Toad, I assure you it's only out of morbid curiosity that has me wondering why you suppose you would laugh." Magneto cocked his eyebrow suspiciously.

"Well you know," Sabretooth almost whispered as he chose his words carefully. "In case you call yours something…unique."

"Unique?" their leader repeated in a huff. Toad decided to speak up on Sabretooth's behalf. "What 'Tooth is getting at is you're a man of high standards right? So it's rather hard to believe you'd name your cock Bill or Ted…"

"You're absolutely correct about that." Magneto admitted.

"Oh, so you DO have a name for your cock!" Toad's eyes glimmered with wicked joy. Just then Mystique and Pyro came into the room carting the evening's banquet on a rolling tray. "You left me alone with the children, Mystique! You know how I despise being left alone with the children," Magneto sneered at Mystique as she started to place a large bowl of mashed potatoes on the table in front of him.

"You know how they get when they've been eating sugar," she coolly reminded him. "Oh, is that their problem," Magneto rolled his eyes and groaned. "I could have sworn it was that they are both witless idiots."

"Alright you two," Mystique began to chastise Toad and Sabretooth as if they were her sons. "I won't have either of you ruining this dinner, understood?"

"Yes mama," Toad mocked as he reached over and grabbed a Brussels sprout from the bowl. "Yeah, whatever Blue," Sabretooth conceded as Mystique tapped him on the shoulder.

"Here, you, carve," she ordered as she handed him an electric carving knife. "And this time, use this."

Ch3

Mystique gazed upon the table loaded up with a feast fit for a king and rendered a smile, entirely pleased with her accomplishment. "You know, for never doin' somethin' like this before, you did a damn fine job, Mystique," Sabretooth warmly complimented her as the rest of the men agreed. "Thank you very much, but I'll have you know that there was a time when I did this sort of thing quite often."

"You, as a 'appy 'omemaker," Toad shook his head. "I woulda never guessed it."

"Yes," Magneto joined in the conversation. "Mystique has lived many a life." Mystique's smile broadened even more. "I do recall a time when I had to wear an apron; however, I find I'm much more comfortable with entertaining royalty and other heads of state." She then raised her glass of wine for a toast. "Here's to a better and brighter future."

"Anything would be an improvement compared to our past," Pyro reminded everyone. "You're a fine one to talk," Toad scoffed. "When it comes to suffering, you 'aven't a bloody clue."

"Hey, I've had it hard too, you know," Pyro insisted. "Yes, I'm sure all the X-men got together every night, tied you up, beat you and then threw you into a closet," Toad argued back.

"I didn't live there ALL of my life, Toad; it just so happens I come from a really shitty…"

But the instant he saw Magneto calmly raise his hand, Pyro went silent. "I agree, no one should doubt your personal history was nothing short of pathetic, Pyro; but since Mystique has gone through the trouble of putting together this elaborate meal, and even though I still see no real value in any of this, we should all show her our appreciation and keep our tongues. Understood?"

"I say let 'em argue." Everyone looked down at the other end of the table where Sabretooth happily sat in front of what could have very easily been his second plate full of food. He then tried to talk with a roll he had crammed into his mouth. "If their lips are busy flappin' that just …" he swallowed the roll, "…leaves more food for the rest of us."

It didn't take long for Toad to stop picking on Pyro and set his sights on Sabretooth instead. "Didn't you ever learn any manners?"

"Manners…manners…" Sabretooth tried to recall mockingly. "Nope; musta been out that day."

"Obviously," Pyro murmured under his breath as he watched the felinoid chomp down a turkey leg, bone and all. "You eat like that all the time?"

Sabretooth took another bite from the leg and gave Pyro an odd look. crunch "Yah."

"And it…doesn't…cut up your mouth or at the very least the lining in your stomach?" Pyro curiously wondered. "Healing factor," Sabretooth simply replied, taking yet another bite. crunch

"Well now that the family pet has shared what was on his mind," Magneto tried to regain control of the conversation and lifted his glass, "I believe Mystique has made a toast, and we should…"

knock knock knock

For a moment or so everyone at the table exchanged confused looks with each other. "I thought this was a secret lair!" Magneto snapped angrily as he put down his glass. "X-men." Sabretooth's eyes narrowed after sniffing the air. "Can we kill 'em?" Sabretooth then asked hopefully.

"Well let's find out what they want first, shall we?" Magneto calmly stated as he got up to answer the door as a very sad and heartbroken Sabretooth pouted.

CH4

Magneto valiantly opened the door to a porch full of obnoxious do-gooders. The instant he saw them his stomach churned and his patience grew thin. "And to what do we owe this untimely intrusion?"

"Happy, merry Kwan-Hana-Christ-ka-zaa-mas!" Jubilee sputtered out, trying not to giggle. "Gesundheit," Magneto mocked unhappily. "What on earth do you think you're doing here?"

"Oh, show some holiday spirit, Erik!" Charles chuckled from his wheelchair. "We're not here to start anything, just to spread a little cheer."

"Yes," Scott plainly explained with a peculiar smirk on his face. "We just want to wish you and your lackeys, I mean your followers, a happy, merry Kwan-Hana-Christ-ka-zaa-mas,"

"And just what in God's name is Kwan-Hana-Christ-ka-zaa-mas?" Magneto repeated impatiently.

"We're going out of our way to be politically correct this year," Rogue dryly informed him. "Well stop it!" he yelled back. Mystique then came up from behind him and smiled. "You're letting the cold air in Erik; invite them inside."

"I don't want to," the so-called alpha male complained under his breath. "Oh, don't be a humbug," as she quickly stepped in front of him. "Please make yourselves at home."

In an instant the X-men were inside and brushing off the snow from their clothes. "We'll only stay for a minute," Storm mentioned as she spotted a certain blonde-haired villain. "No need to rush off, we have all different kinds of pie," Mystique tempted with a smile.

"Did she say pie?" Bobby spoke up then out loud. "Hey everybody, pie!"

It didn't take long for those at the table to see the stampede of teenagers heading their way. "Bloody 'ell, we're under attack!" Toad shot straight out of his seat. "We're not, but our dessert is," Pyro quickly corrected him as he watched his former classmates make a beeline toward the pie rack. Sabretooth meanwhile sat in his chair growling. "Now can I?" he asked Magneto referring to the question he had asked earlier. Magneto's face suddenly brightened as if to concede.

"You'll do no such thing!" Mystique commanded. "Magneto says it's OK!" Sabretooth argued. Mystique merely walked over to the pie rack and started handing out plates. "We can all show a little good will, can't we?" she remarked strangely as if she were sending a cryptic massage. "But I don't see how killing…"

"Mystique said no mate, now just drop it," Toad reminded him in a quiet but very serious tone. Sabretooth frowned considering the number of mutants he would have to face alone and reluctantly gave into his colleague's wishes. He glared viciously at Marie and growled, "Yer just damn lucky you ain't a bunch of Jehovah's Witnesses."

In just a matter of a few minutes there were a dozen or so kids as well as the other guests standing around Magneto's beloved metal conference table making light conversation and chowing down on pie. "So," Scott dared to ask as he stood dangerously close to the felinoid, "you don't like Jehovah's Witnesses?" Sabretooth shoveled another mouthful of candied yams into his mouth and thought about the question. "Oh for the most part they're OK," he took another bite. "But the older ones can be a little tough and chewy."

"You're kidding, right?" Kitty asked Sabretooth in disbelief.

"Does that look like the face of a kidder?" Toad chortled disgustedly; he could hardly believe he had to point out such an obvious fact. Kitty turned to give Sabretooth a good look just as he turned to look at her with a broad smile and licked his lips. "S-s-scott, I wanna go now."

"Yes Scott, I think we should leave before we wear out our welcome here," Charles commented politely and in a flash the X-men left as quickly as they invaded, leaving behind an array of dirty disposable plates and forks. "Well that was fun." Pyro noted sarcastically.

"Whoopee," Toad added with equal disdain. "Yes," Magneto included in a tired worn voice. "I hope you are happy, Mystique; I don't think I can take any more of this 'celebrating'."

CH5

"I know this little holiday celebration I planned hasn't been entirely wondrous, but I for one would like to have at least a few favorable holiday memories in my life." Suddenly Magneto seemed remorseful as he began to realize how important it was to Mystique that he not only participate but enjoy what she had coordinated for him and his 'brothers'. "My apologies Mystique, I really do appreciate all that you do for me, and this dinner is no exception; it's just that I'm not really accustomed to looking on the brighter side of life, as it were. So, where are those latkes?" as he seemed to perk up and forced himself to smile. "And I believe I'd like some of that white meat, Sabretooth."

For the next several minutes or so the dinner went splendidly; that is, until Toad decided it was time to reminisce. "Speaking of 'bad 'olidays'," Toad mentioned as he greedily smothered his mashed potatoes with ladle upon ladle of gravy, "did I ever tell you 'ow I used to spend Christmas in the orphanage?" Pyro, who was still a little sore at Toad for his earlier remarks, immediately spoke up. "Only every chance you get." Toad looked up from his plate for a moment and glared at Pyro.

"Not that your stories of being rejected and mistreated as a mutant child aren't fascinating, Toad, I mean, for being someone who has lived a sheltered life I can only imagine the shame and disgrace you must have suffered growing up."

"You think you're such a clever li'l shit don't you?" Toad viciously concluded. "Yeah, pretty much." Pyro agreed sarcastically.

"Oh won't you two grow up!" Mystique snapped impatiently. "Haven't either of you figured out by now that we've all had it hard? We all have our own scared lives, our own wounds that never healed." Mystique lectured them in a huff. "But that's what separates us from the X-men. Those pussies haven't had it rough, they're either too pretty, or too rich, or too cowardly to have ever seen humanity at its worst. And if they did, they weren't smart enough to figure out they needed to get just as ruthless in order to survive."

"An easy life makes one weak," Sabretooth spoke in a musing tone as he lifted his head and gazed off into space. "Only by the fires of tribulation may a will of iron be forged." A moment later however, his concentration was broken by the deafening silence around him. He looked at those surrounding him with astonished faces. "Vic, that was remarkably…deep," Mystique gasped, seemingly impressed. Sabretooth then glanced at Toad and Pyro who just sat there with their mouths partially open while Magneto studied him suspiciously. "Ah, yeah," his voice no longer sounding as philosophically profound as it had a moment ago. "I think I got that from a fortune cookie."

"Clearly that would be the case." Magneto seemed satisfied with Sabretooth's explanation. After all, to consider his loyal attack dog as having any real wit was not absurd, but ridiculously absurd. "I'm just amazed you were able to comprehend the meaning well enough to see its significance and apply it to this situation." The big cat-man gave no response, but smiled to himself instead.

For the next several moments little more was said as the dinner gradually came to an end. "Well, Mystique," at last Magneto seemed relaxed and at ease, "I must say that I have found this evening to be rather pleasant. I can't recall the last time I enjoyed spending time with all of you. Thank you."

"Ah, are you getting all warm and fuzzy on us, Mags?" Toad cooed teasingly. "Perish the thought!" Magneto surprising smiled and lightly joked back. He didn't even seem bothered that Toad was now repeating Sabretooth's favorite form of rebellion. "But when I compare you scoundrels to those whom I've had the extreme displeasure of knowing, I feel as if I'm among gods!"

"Oh, Charles is a bore," Mystique added to the conversation, "but surely you don't think THAT little of him do you?"

"Of course not!" Magneto defended his friend. "I was mostly referring to the homo-sapiens, like those who ran that little plastic bubble in which they kept me imprisoned, for instance."

"Prison guards," Sabretooth nodded his head as if to agree. "Those bastards really know the meaning of "season's beatings", don't they, Mags?" Magneto leaned over his plate resting his elbows on the table and took a long drink of wine. "So true," and the old man's face suddenly seemed far too worn and weary for even a man his age. His eyes gazed upward though he did not seem to be focusing on anyone there. He took another drink and swallowed slowly; the jovial atmosphere now was replaced by an eerie and very somber mood. Magneto hardly noticed Mystique give Sabretooth a quiet nod to which he got up and headed for the door. "Well Erik," Mystique announced decisively. "I think it's time we gave you your present."

"Present?" he repeated stiffly. "Yeah," Toad spoke up bashfully. "We all feel kinda bad that while we were all out having fun, you were in that plastic shit hole." Feeling a bit humbled himself, Magneto offered a subtle smile. "My brothers, you have nothing to feel guilty about. Those days were bleak indeed, but not just for me, I'm sure. Even though I was being led to believe that all of you had been killed, I never stopped believing that someday one of you would rescue me from that hell. I never lost hope on you, just as I'm sure you never lost hope on me." He then surrendered an awkward grin as he saw the irony in his words.

"But you haven't seen what we got you yet!" Pyro said with a twisted smile. "Would you like a tiny 'int?" Toad teased as he pulled out a small tape-recorder from his pocket and hit the play button. "Who, who the hell are you freaks? Get the fuck outta my face unless you want some trouble!" a vaguely familiar voice came from the recorder that was quickly followed by the sound of gunshots being fired. "Holy…shshshsh…" Static was the last sound to come from the speaker.

A peculiar look of curiosity and mischief crossed Magneto's face. "Yes, that voice does ring a bell," he confessed amusingly. "I just can't quite put my finger on the name." Just then Sabretooth came strolling in with a large bundle slung over his shoulder; the sound of muffled cries coming from it. "Blue tried to get me to wear a Santie Claus suit, but that's where I drew the line. Well..." he tossed the bundle onto the floor in front of Magneto. "Here you go Mags! Merry Christmas!" For a moment or so, Magneto looked at the bundle that was in the obvious shape of a bound man squirming and yelling, then at his fellow evil mutants. "Well, ain't you gonna open it?" Toad asked excitedly. Magneto slowly but curiously removed the hood covering the man's face to reveal someone whom he was quite familiar with. "Mister…Reed, isn't it?"

Magneto's expression of true delight was a stark contrast to that of terror on his captive's. "Yes, I believe that is correct," Magneto assured himself, then looked up at Mystique. "How on earth did you know about my friend here?"

"When I downloaded the files from Stryker's computer, I read that Mr. Reed had been transferred from your prison due to the excessive and unauthorized use of force." Magneto chuckled at her answer a bit. "Oh, not that Stryker really minded Mr. Reed taking his frustration out on me of course, but he did nearly kill me once or twice as memory serves and at the time I was still of importance to the Colonel's plans."

Magneto then turned his attention back to the bundle on the floor. "I must say, Mr. Reed, no one could match your brutality, not even that buffoon Laurio. Yes, I really should congratulate you; you would have made an outstanding officer in the SS. Was he any trouble?" he then asked his colleagues.

"Not after he lost these." Sabretooth pulled out a bloodied rag from his pocket and threw it onto the table close to Magneto who carefully unfolded it to find what looked to be a set of testicles. "It's times such as this, Sabretooth," he said with a certain amount of pride, "that I remind myself why I keep you around. And as for you, Mystique, I can't believe you went through all this trouble just for me."

"Oh it was nothing," she sheepishly smiled and appeared to even blush, in a shade of blue of course.

"Yeah, when I saw those X-men come in I thought the gig was up for sure!" Pyro gasped excitedly. "So did I!" Toad agreed, almost chuckling.

"I'm fairly certain Charles suspected we were up to something," Mystique joined in. "I'm sure they came over in the first place just to see if they could uncover the plot."

"Well there's no point in wasting time," Magneto said with a smile. "What do you say we take my new 'toy' outside for a little target practice? Pyro, would you like to go first?"

"Sure you don't mind?" the young man asked eagerly.

"No, of course not!" Magneto happily replied. "Say, I have an idea; all of you did such a fine job putting this together for me, why don't you take Mr. Reed outside and wait for me while I clean off the table and put the dishes in the machine?" As Magneto began to clear the table, he could hear the joyous laughter and conversations coming from his followers, mixed in with the terrified screams and pleas coming from their hopeless victim. 'A little too much fire from tribulation may forge the will of iron, but maybe perhaps it also warps the hearts of gold,' he somberly thought to himself and for a moment and even considered sharing it with his companions.

"Oh why spoil their fun," he finally concluded and went outside to share in the villainy.

THE END


End file.
